Sup fam.
Its been a cool minute since our last chat. Knowing that Spring Break is here and a lot of you ain’t got ____ to do. By ‘a lot of you’, yes.. I am referring to all of my senior citizen readers out there.
So I thought it was time to come out of hiding and hit you with a little bit of blog-knowledge, or quite the opposite..maybe hit you with something that makes you feel better about yourself after reading about my hot mess of a life. Like, wow I really have my life together after reading Rachel’s terrible blog.
I got you.
When I last blogged some things had happened:
I had made it out of Vegas alive with my hoodrat friends.
-Still amazed at how.
The Thunder boys were on a rollercoaster of breaking/mending my heart just to break it again, then mend it.
Then I would read about how Kevin is leaving OKC and Russell soon after then the city will burn down and Oklahoma city will have only the OKC Dodgers to rely on.
-Update: Nothing has changed.
anddd…..I think that’s about it.
I live a basic life.
Casual, even.
Side-note: I also got to thinking if I ever job search, I will most definitely not get a job because of some of the things I have said on here.
But, I like my job. They know what they have got themselves into…and Maxine needs me to sneak her pocket shots during week days. We all have odd jobs, giving Maxine liquor is one of mine.
Not all heroes wear capes.
Now, lets get to the main event.
OOOOOH, BABY BABY.
So as most of you know, come July the summer heat will be in full swing, I will age one year and a baby will shoot out of Becca’s lady cannon*.
Lady Cannon*: Va-jay-jay, lady business, chamber of secrets. You get it.
What a lot of you do not know is the details, from my point of view and my side of the story.
Like, how I refer to pregnant women as Recip Mares…
I ask when a pregnant woman is about to calve, and also I call it foaling season when babies are born.
If you are confused about what I am talking about, let me catch you up with a character list:
My sister: Becca
Her husband: Cory
Expecting child: July
Aunt: Me
Let us start at a very good place: The beginning.
So Becca and Cory were “trying” to have a baby.
Ya know, I think that term is so funny for some reason.
“Trying”
Like, it’s a lot nicer than: we stopped using contraceptives and hope there’s a Michael Phelps type swimmer in the group.
If you know me and Becca you know we are the lamb to each others tuna fish.
The best best-friends anyone could ever have.
We have this thing where we try and get the other to go to Walmart with them, to make the trip a little enjoyable.
The answer is 99% of the time a “not no, but hell no”.
For some reason in November Becca text me and asked me if I would go with her and I said “sure.”
I hop in her Chevy and we start the 2 mile journey to Walmart.
At the stoplight on North Washington, she turned down the music and said…
“So…I think I’m pregnant…”
Even though my sister is very much married, and I had known they were “trying”
A part of me still freaked out inside….almost like, “Oh my gosh, does mom know! WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO, YOU ARE SO YOUNG!”
I calmed myself, replied with a shockingly cool answer:
“Okay..so…does this mean I can’t move back in?”
At that point it was very early to be excited knowing how many things can not play out in someones favor.
It played out in her favor.
Then it all began, the bun in the oven started cookin.
I found out a few weeks before thanksgiving, and I had one rule from Becca:
“Don’t tell anyone.”
And I didn’t.
I went to a Thunder game with my mom and meme and my mom knew about Becca, and I knew about Becca.
Neither one of us spoke about it to eachother, which surprises me, if you know my mother you know that she isn’t the best secret keeper.
She is one of those “Okay, I said I wouldn’t tell anyone….so…ill tell you….but you cant tell a soul” people.
I didn’t even tell Cale.
I didn’t tell Western Oklahoma on my afternoon show.
Nobody.
So thanksgiving rolls around, and we all head down to Central Oklahoma where Cory and Becca will tell James Smith.
Let me set the stage for you:
The living room is full of these people: Dawn, James, Becca, Cory, Cale, and myself.
People in that living room that know about Becca pregnant: Dawn, Becca, Cory, and Myself.
People in that living room that do not know: James & Cale.
The stage is set.
So we are all in the living room and Becca goes and gets Jack and The Bean Stalk out, a book James used to read to Becca when she was a young pup. Becca had written in the book something to the tune of “WHATUP POPS IM KNOCKED UP!”
Or something maybe more sweet, Im not sure I didn’t ever get to read it.
Anyways: She hands James the book.
He is immediately confused…
Then…slowly he figured it out.
*We Smith’s have street smarts, not book smarts*
An hour later, the lightbulb went off and James got the memo.
…and cried faster than any grown man I have ever seen.
Meanwhile, Cale had no idea what the hell is going on.
It was hilarious.
We eventually filled him in.
It has been a fun journey so far, I like knowing things that others dont…so keeping the pregnancy secret was a blast.
If any of you are pregnant and don’t want someone to tell, holla at me.
I am a vault.
Oh yeah, Its a girl.
Little Harriet Marie Miller.
Cant wait.
Cannot wait.
Also, Becca kept the gender of the baby a secret from me for 7 frickin days.
I was so mad.
I tried everything, I was super mean to her thinking that pregnancy would have made her weak and easy to crack.
I looked her stone cold in the face at one point and said “Look” as I picked up my phone, went to the favorites page…and deleted her ass from the #1 spot.
Thinking that would make her crack.
But it didn’t.
She held strong. Cory was uneasy about Becca and I being alone together because he knew I would pull some jedi mind bull ish on her.
I am proud of Becca for not telling me. But It also means, I am losing my touch.
So, I am not a parent. But I do know a few…like 3.
Taylor is one of them.
So……here is:
Parenting With Taylor Hancock.
If you do not know Taylor, you are missing out on knowing one of the funniest people in America…or like, McClain Co.
She has a 4 year old daughter named Ava Kate Hancock, and it’s neither here nor there but….she has my eyes.
Taylor and Ava are the 2 best friends that anyone could have.
Ava has a cat, named meow. If that tells you how cool she is.
A few days ago Taylor left this gem on Beccas FB wall:
I’ve been thinking about ya a lot lately. You and that little bun in your oven. I’ just wanted to share a few motherly tips. Any questions just ask away Auntie B. I won’t lie to ya. Couldn’t if I wanted to.
Parenting tips:
Moral victories are a thing.
You might forget to feed her dinner but 2 cookies and a bag of Cheetos at 9 pm is close enough sometimes.
Maybe she didn’t get a bath last night, but she pee’d her pants a little and that’s gotta be like 20% water at least…so she good.
She’ll wanna know how babies get out of your tummy at the ripe ole age of 4.. so you compare babies to poop and lady parts to b-holes. And surprisingly it might work.
And as hard as ya try to not let her hear ya cuss, sometimes she’ll say these sentences “who’s a huge dick, mom?”
“I might need to check to see if I sharted.”
And my favorite “why can we say damage but not dammit?”Personally I still am not sure on that last one… Anyway you do what works for you!! You’re gonna be great!
You da real mvp.
I lost it after reading.
So I did what anyone would do, I asked for more.
And boy howdy, did I get more.
Ya know the phrase “this aint horseshoes or hand grenades?”Parenting is the opposite of that. You basically will never hit the bulls eye but you’ll hope you get close enough to the target that your kid doesn’t turn out a serial killer or a democrat. But at the end of the day, she’s gonna be a little screwed up either way.The following are phrases your 4 year old WILL say in public, at family gatherings, or funerals:“I’m freezing my tits off!”“I’m so pissed right now.”“I think sharted in my panties.”“WHATTA JACKWAGON!”HOUSE RULES: you get what you get and you don’t throw a fit… even if it’s water.This one is a life saver so listen closely-when drinking adult beverages but don’t want to tell you 2 year old it’s “beer” and then explain why she can’t have any, just tell her it’s “fermented yeast”. It sounds disgusting so she won’t ever ask for any. Then when she’s 3 and rats you out to your whole family about “fermented yeast”, you start drinking said beverages from coffee cups only. This is important so I’ll say it again- COFFEE CUPS ONLY. Now when she asks what you’re drinking, you hit her with “what do you drink from a coffee cup?” Obviously, she will say coffee. Technically this isn’t lying. Coffee is a life saver.Teaching a child to sing No Scrubs at a young age is hard to do. But in the end, the hard work and dedication pays off. Bonus- it is not only a treat for the ears, but she will learn what to not look for in a man.When your kid doesn’t want to go to bed at night and asks what happens to people if they stay up til morning, tell her those people die. She will cry herself to sleep eventually. Effective.When your child says she wants to have babies one day, but not ever get married, because you aren’t married, simply offer ice cream for dinner. Change of subject too strong to go back.And finally, it is damn near impossible to get a fake id for a 4 year old, no matter how many people are helping you. Why is it wrong to want to chill with your kids on the weekend and hit up a good karaoke bar? Isn’t that why we teach them to sing No Scrubs in the first place? Don’t give up hope. I haven’t.(also if anyone reading this can help make this happen, contact me via AIM. Thanks.)
Aunt-ing
No, I have never been an aunt…
Yes,I have given a bag of fireworks to a day old baby as a gift. (Ask Taylor)
No, I have not changed a newborn diaper.
Yes, I have tried to give a newborn Pop rocks. (Ask Taylor)
No, I have not ever dealt with punishing a kid.
Yes, I have taught a 2 year old how to slam a shot. (Ask Beth L)
No, I have not had to watch hours of Baby Einsteins.
Yes, I have taught a kid to yell MERICA! At the top of their lungs. (Ask Annie)
So sure, there is room for improvement. I do know that I will always have candy and beer….candy for me…obviously.
I can’t wait.
Going (Th)Under?
What would a blog post be if I didn’t talk about the boys in blue?
I will not go into detail, because I have been drinking a little…and I need to keep it simple.
- The Thunder defense drives a constant struggle bus
- Russell Westbrook is really good at basketball
- Kevin Durant is really good at basketball
- Kyle Singler has the hair of a pedophile.
- Dion Waiters wears white shoes and it makes me feel weird.
- IF and WHEN they get their shit together, they could be lethal.
- KD may or may not stay in OK.
I will love them to the end.
I am like the Captain on the Titanic, if this ship sinks or swims…I will be with it until the end.
Canada Doesn’t Seem So Bad
As a lot of you know, this country is headed straight for hell.
Remember when Obama got elected the second time and everyone collectively thought
“It can’t get worse than this.”
HAHAHAH.
Before you liberals start getting your panties in a twist, calm down.
I am not about to talk about politics to you. I do not care to get into a heated discussion on my blog. This is a place of stupidity and toeing the line….not politics.
After Super Tuesday, the google search for “How do I move to Canada?” skyrocketed.
I am not going to lie to you, I was one of those googlers, not because I am seriously considering Canada as my future home where maple syrup flows like the ancient rivers of Babylon….but because I was honestly curious how one would go about it.
I don’t think Canada would be so bad
PEOPLE GET READY AMERICA IS COMING.
#RIO16
That’s right people, we are in the year of the 2016 Summer Olympics.
A beautiful time every 4 years where we can come together and agree about how much we hate China…and Russia…but mostly China.
I am just going to give all of you a heads up, I get weird for the Olympics.
I used to record them on a VHS label them, then watch them for the next full year.
I legit have a Olympic countdown on my bookmarks that I look at frequently.
I.CANT.WAIT.
I am going to have Olympic parties. Hopefully you are on the VIP list. If not, this is awkward.
Also: Here is a preview…this is my old blog about the Olympics.
Click: Here
Super super offensive at some points.
Be prepared.
Just remember I wrote it 4 years ago when I was a baby in a crib.
Using a fake ID.
Here is an exert from my old blog:
Which, is still how I feel.
Das A Wrap
It’s good to be back witcha.
I feel like we grew closer after this blog.
I shall leave you with a goodbye, because I am baby…and I have gotten good at them:
#PassTheLeftovers 
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