O beautiful for spacious skies,
For amber waves of grain,
For purple mountain majesties
Above the fruited plain!
America! America!
God shed his grace on thee
And crown thy good with brotherhood
From sea to shining sea!

IM TALKIN ABOUT, AMERICA!

The summer heat is here, the hay is cut, and its almost time for 2 of the greatest birthdays of all time.

I am talking about Americas birthday of course, as well as my own.
We will get to mine, but let us focus on America.
It is a time where we celebrate our freedom, a time where the flag is flown a bit higher, and freedom rings a little louder. People gather around to watch displays of fireworks all over the country, to sit in awe at the beautiful work….made…in…china. But that is neither here nor there.
A time where 100% of my paycheck is spent on explosives, and I have no buyers remorse.

A time where it never fails I manage to burn myself with a punk and scream HOLY ____ BALLS!

A time where my father will throw blackcats at my feet and somehow in 22 years has failed to hit his both targets spot on, which at this time I would like to thank Coors Light for that one.

A time where roman candles are used for wizard battles, because where else are you going to get a wand that shoots out fire when you cast 5 spells in a row.

Be careful though, just because they are roman candles does not mean you need to be casting the unforgivable curses.

Refresher course in case you have forgot:
The Unforgivable Curses are three of the most powerful and sinister spells known to the wizarding world, and are tools of the Dark Arts. They were first classified as “Unforgivable” in 1717. They are the Killing Curse (Avada Kedavra), Cruciatus Curse (Crucio), and Imperius Curse (Imperio).

Do not under any circumstance no matter how bad your family sucks, hit them with one of those. You DO NOT need the ministry coming at you on Americas birthday.

More fire, please. #:)

For many years I along with many others, have classified myself as a Pyro-Maniac.

Since92’ I have been in love with fire and pyro technics. I remember being so pissed off I had to just listen to fireworks in my mothers womb in 1992 and not be able to see them, so I came out 6 days later on July 10th and let me tell ya, I came out with a mission to never miss another firework show again. I have so far accomplished said mission for 22 years straight.
You can find me any day of the year with a hidden stash of fireworks in my room. I am never completely out of them, because anyone can pop them in July….its in November you can sneak up on people.
I used to have a car named The Exploder, may she rest in peace. The Exploder and myself got into some shi-…..nanigans. We were always up to no good, it helped that I had a huge back seat and 10 roman candles in the back at all times.

I remember once I was walking back to the highschool from the Ag barn and saw the police dog sniffing the vehicles. I puckered up so fast, started shaking, and immediately trying to figure out who would be my one phone call. I remember asking the principal…”So do those dogs sniff out everything?” He just looked at me strangely as if I were about to admit to being in the drug smuggling ring, or dabbling in the likes of Mary J. He replied “Rachel what are you talking about?” I said, “You know, like….gun powder….that is in a cardboard tube….that some call fireworks?” He laughed, and told me I was in the clear, but now on his radar for shinaigans. I was insulted, I should have been on the top of that radar for my whole highschool career.

I just love fireworks.
I once tried to get my Pyro-Technicians license but some things fell through and I didn’t get it.

Doesn’t mean I wont.
It has just been postponed.

I once dated a guy that told me “Fireworks are a waste of money. Why don’t you just light your $20 on fire. It is the same thing.”
To that I replied 2 ways:

1) WHY DON’T YOU LIGHT YOUR FREEDOM ON FIRE AND MOVE OUT OF THIS COUNTRY and

2) I don’t think this is going to work out. We’re through.

I jetted his ass quick, fast and in a hurry.
I do not take to kindly to firework negativity.

Which brings me to a segment I like to call:

ANTI-FIREWORK SAFETY WITH RACHEL SMITH

Alright so lets start this off by me saying, I am not and will not be responsible if something happens to you after I give you these tips.

Sparkler Bombs are something you need to experience.

You grew up with sparklers your whole life and just thought they were something wimpy that little kids like, right? WRONG. SO wrong.
Sparkler bombs are the cheapest and biggest boom you can get…with the right tools.

What you will need:

3-5 boxes of metal sparklers (depending on how big you want this to get)
A significant amount of electric tape

Start out by emptying the boxes of sparklers out into your hand. You will group these sparklers up together, and hold them all the same direction making almost a sparkler barrel.

Now that you have that sparkler barrel in your hand, find the middle sparkler of the group. This will be your fuse. Pull it up a few inches above the rest.

^^^^That is too many sparklers^^just focus on the lone ranger out top^^

Then you start electric taping around this sparkler barrel. Wrap it good. Wrap the top too, if you fail to wrap the top well it becomes a sparkler rocket…which is a lot more dangerous than the sparkler bomb.
Once you wrap the sparklers all together snug with the tape, you need to find an open field….preferably a dirt field. A field that will probably not catch on fire.

ALWAYS HAVE A WATER SOURCE CLOSE BY IN CASE SHIT HITS THE FAN. –Abe Lincoln

You shall stick the sparkler bomb in the ground, and then light your fuse which is the top sparkler.

Then run like hell a good 50 ft away. Don’t send the fat kid to light the sparkler bomb, you need to send the kid that’s on the track relay team.
If you do it right you should have a decent sized hole in the ground by the end of it.

You are welcome.
Once again, I am not liable for anything that goes wrong. You are taking advice from a blog. You asked for trouble from the start.

Also, if you set fuses like dominos while lighting Zips on a flat surface you will be pleased with the end result.

Since my last blog was published, some things have happened in this world of ours.

Gay marriage is now legal, if you didn’t know. Which if you didn’t know, I can only assume you have been living under a rock…or maybe you just got back from a cruise, a camping trip, or a flight from space.
Where I will not discuss my deep personal opinions on the issue, I will say a few things.

If these things offend you, go ahead and get over it.
I believe life is short and you should live how you wish.
Tomorrow is not something that is promised, so: eat desert first, tell those you care about how much you love them, call your parents, save the turtle on the highway, and be who you are.

Whoever that may be.

I have never been gay, so no I do not know the hardships of those who are. I do not know what it is like to go against my family’s beliefs and have them disown me. I do not know the obstacles that one goes through.

But, I do know one thing:
I am only in control and responsible for my own actions, I do not know what you believe in but I am a Christian and believe that one day I will have to answer to the big man for MY decisions. When I get to the pearly gates, I will not be explaining why Sally made a choice, why Julie sinned a certain way, or why Paul was married and divorced 8 times and experimented with all those pharmaceuticals. God will only be asking me about one person: me.
And I will not be asking questions about those people, I will be asking questions like:

“God, hit me with it…why did you create the mosquito?”
“I understand the science of it…but how do snakes move so fast without legs?”
And “Thank you for taking out those dinosaurs…I would have lived in fear forever.”
It’s simple:
Your sins are not mine to carry; I have my own sins to worry about.
Boy do I.

My filthy mouth and love for whiskey is going to be a large issue I am sure, but that’s on me not anyone else.

I am not here to shame you because you sin different than me.
But where the common issue is: where the line gets lost in the sand. Where everyone is expected to accept certain people’s beliefs/ways of living/opinions yet if they have their own opinion that differs, that is unacceptable.

How does that make sense?

It would be like me saying “Dr. Pepper is the best drink in the world” then expecting all of my friends to watch me drink Dr Pepper and have no other option but to applaud and keep quiet if they disagree…but when I see someone drinking Coke and talking about how they don’t really care for Dr Pepper and its 23 flavors.. I come unglued.
I shouldn’t have to defend Dr Pepper, I know I love it.
I know that my belly is happy when it has 23 bold flavors rummaging around in it. Everyone else knows that I love Dr Pepper, and it is no breaking news. If you don’t like it, well I feel sorry for you. But that is not going to affect my next Dr Pepper.

That was a bad analogy.
I realize.
My pony tail is too tight, I think it is cutting off my brain supply.
But the point is still there.

I had to delete my facebook app on my phone due to all the hostility on the subject on their social media high horse.

That is another topic for a different blog.

This is America, the greatest country in the world. It is a place where we can speak freely, have our own opinions, agree to disagree and we won’t get killed or thrown in jail from having differing opinions.
But why is it when someone has a different opinion or a belief that they are standing firm in, they get ridiculed?

Agree to disagree.
Move on.
Delete people.
Unfollow.

But,
Live your life, stop defending it.
Life is too short to not be happy.
Find your happiness and hold on to it, as long as you can.
Love who you love.

I don’t think the whole –Gay marriage is legal in all 50 states- is why a lot of people are not accepting. I mean, I am sure a good portion may be, but it’s the getting thrown in everyones face that has upset a lot of people.
I hate PDA in general, gay or straight. I do not want to see you and your significant other making out in the popcorn line at the movies.

Barfaroni.

I do not want to see you playing grab ass in the nerf section at Walmart while I am gun shopping.

Do the highschool thing and use your car as your affection palace.
What I find humorous is the number of people so mad about the legalization of it….
Before it was legal in every state did that stop people from being gay? Or getting married? Of course not. There were just a lot of destination weddings, which let’s be clear…I think the main people pissed about Gay marriage being legal in every state are the resorts where those destination weddings will take a hit. I bet resorts everywhere are having some mad deals right now.

I don’t care if you are gay or straight and get married. What I do care about is the reception….if you invite me, you need to have an outstanding reception planned.
Gay or straight: Buy a lot of kegs and glowsticks.

Sidenote: this has nothing to do with gay or straight, it happens to deal with the fact rainbows hit me in a weird spot. I have no idea why, I think it is all of the colors all beside each other just chillin….but man all these rainbows lately have really messed with my mind. I like them in the sky and on snowcones, but anywhere else my brain can’t handle it. Like that Lisa Frank with all her rainbow colors on notebooks…that really hit me weird.

Lighter note:
Let’s talk Kacey Musgraves new album: Pageant Material

A.M.A.Z.I.N.G.

This is for all of you who constant complain about “this isn’t country” blah blah blah blah.

This IS country. It brings in the horns, the strings and the steel guitar is prominent throughout. Kacey Musgraves has the smoothest voice in the history of music. Her voice hits you in the feels, in the best way possible. The first time I listened to her album all the way through I teared up on a few songs, not because im a sissy or anything BECAUSE I AM NOT… but because it’s that pure. You can feel the passion coming through your speakers and the realness that you wouldn’t find anywhere else.
Kacey Musgraves is someone who knows she has a powerful voice and a platform to use it, and that she does.

So if you think your ears deserve a treat, go’head and break em off with a lil preview of Pageant Material.

I am #1. 2 is not a winner and 3 nobody remembers.

Lets talk about yours truly for a sec. You got a minute?

Okay, so as a lot of you may know my birthday is coming up shortly. July 10th will mark the birthday of a legend.

I have no idea why it is not considered a holiday yet, but I am still working on it.

I will be 23 years old. Ew. Just typing that was so boring I almost fell asleep.

You see, past 21 you really don’t have much to be jazzed about besides you are that much closer to retirement and smelling like moth balls.

16 is exciting because you get to drive and have that wiff of freedom while still being ‘on the tit’ with your parents paying for everything. 16 is really the wonder year, it is the most carefree year of life.

17 is alright, you are just waiting around for 18 to gamble at the casino and buy swisher sweets because you are a hard ass like that. Wood tip please.

I got my first fake ID at 17, so it was a good year.

18 did not disappoint, it was a trip to the Riverwind casino also known as the ‘Neverwind’.

19 was out of control, do to me getting a better fake ID…(sorry mom)

20 looked like a blast, from all the pictures I saw.

21, I managed to get to bed…or bathroom by 10:00 PM.

22, I had strep throat and got to pop pills like a real OG. By pop pills, I mean I was on antibiotics and got to be the DD on my own birthday.

22 was payback from the ghost of birthday pasts.

So what will 23 have to offer? Maybe a lot of vitamins, check out a matinee, a nice trip to the Cracker Barrel, perhaps I will learn how to cook, maybe take a few naps, eat some Activia Yogurt. Who knows, I assure you it will be will a rager.

But, feel free to send gifts.

I do accept American Money.

Crown Royal.

Fireworks.

Sonic/Subway giftcards.

Cute clothes, not ugly clothes.

Size 8.5 shoes.

Skittles or Dr Pepper.

Itunes gift cards

Pendleton Jackets.

Pendleton Whisky.

Vinyl Records.

Pizza.

In Conclusion:

Have a wonderful 4th of July, friends.

Be careful, and try to keep all 10 of your fingers and toes. But if something happens, well hopefully you have it recorded. I mean, sure youll be missing a finger or toe, but that video of your accident could get you a lot of attention on Youtube. Justin Bieber got his fame from Youtube, maybe you could too.

I leave you with an America power hour playlist.

1. Party In The U.S.A this is before Miley dabbled in the strongest of acids.